Out of the Darkness . . . Musings of an Insomniac

I really should stop writing blogs in the middle of the night. I have come to realize that I often don't remember writing them the next day . . . or at least I vaguely remember what I said. But, here I am anyway. I don't know what pressed me to start up another blog . . . no one reads the one I already have on MySpace, but what the heck . . . it is almost 1 AM . . . all logic went out the window several hours ago.

To anyone who does read my blogs, my apologies for the dark nature of them lately . . . I will hopefully pull out of this valley soon. Maybe that is what has spurred the beginning of this one . . . maybe starting a completely new blog will help me pull out of this dark place I seem to have been wandering in for quite some time.

It has been a crazy year. Keeping in mind that teachers think of years as August to July, as opposed to January to December. So my New Year's Day is coming up quickly. And maybe that is a source of my darkness lately . . . My New Year's Day, August 16th, is also what should have been the due date of our first child . . . I have really tried to not think about it and not let it get to me, but the more I try to push it off, the more it seems to eat at me. I don't know why. There is nothing I can do to change it, but it is so surreal to think that right at this very moment I could have been 30 pounds heavier and preparing to bring a life into this world. I just can't seem to stop imagining what it would have been like. But then, my daydreams always seem to turn dark, and end in some kind of catastrophe. I am unsure why I do this. But I digress . . .

So August 16th starts a new year for me. Gone is the year of new house, surprise pregnancy, surprise non-pregnancy, termites, and mass changes at work. It is time to start over. I have 17 days to pull out of this darkness before school begins again. I want so badly to have a positive outlook on life again, but my mind is a battlefield, and it feels war-torn and beaten, as does my heart. I have to pull it together. I have to, before I fall deeper in . . .